Unusual Confession

Disclaimer: This is not your every-day post to read written by the girl-next-door, Kitten. Be prepared.

What's worse than knowing you're guilty is when you are not doing anything about it. I want to change myself but I'm not working hard at it. Why? I simply don't know and it frustrates me so much. I want to be different. I want to alter my behaviors. I want to fix my routine. Yet, after admitting all that, I am not changing anything. I know I should but I think I'm afraid to start.

Maybe because I'm not used to it but time will take care of that. Maybe I need to be guilty enough to feel the great mess I'm putting myself into although I've experienced it many times before so why haven't I learned anything? Again, saying this means I have understood yet why am I not willing to change my ways now it self, before it's too late? What am I waiting for? More failures to come my way than they already are? If that's what it takes then I've been there many times before yet ( and I'd overuse this word if I had to) yet... I am still standing here, doing nothing.

Should I feel ashamed? I am. Guilty? I am. Penitent? I am. What else does it take to move me? To open up my eyes to what I have done or have been doing till now? What does it take to realise what my wrongdoings have resulted to? I said I'd change. I said I'd not go through the same path as before but that is where I keep going everytime I promise myself not to. I'm sick of my never-ending promises. I'm sick of my guilt. I'm sick of not trying hard enough. Heck, I'm even sick of myself.

I'd take great lengths and pains to do this. I WILL change this time, not by mere spoken or written words but by real, solid ACTIONs. Take notes, world, I don't give a damn if I mistook in the past or the present. But I sure do care a great deal of not committing the same mistakes in the future. MY future.