I should come off the shell I'm trying to delve in, I've started carving my way in so hard trying to keep things in tact, trying to perfect the bigger picture, forgetting the small person on the far corner, that's me. I neglected the things that matter most, things that make me who I am all in the hopes of having a better option, a choice I thought I was able to deal with..
P.S. I finished school today. Feels so liberating to finally say that.
أليس مصيرُ ذلكَ للزوال؟
"أيا من عاشَ فى الدنيا طويـلا *** وأفنى العمَر فـى قِيلٍ وقـالِ
وأتعبَ نفسَه فيمـا سَيَفْنَــى *** وجَمَّعَ من حـرامٍ أو حـلال
هَبِ الدنيا تُقاد إليك عفــوًا *** أليس مصير ذلكَ للزوالِ ؟"
We Meet Again!
What does a person say when he've been so out of it for the past year that none of the things he will say will ever make up for the things he did not do?
^
I missed babbling like that. Like there's something important I will say if you just read along.. I forgot how good this feels, to write for the heck of it. Not because you have a 2-pages-long essay you have to submit the next day. No, this feels good. Really good. To be writing as if there's a point you'd like to make, a doubt you'd want to clear out, an uncertainty you'd like to make sure of. Whatever it is, there's an odd sense of relief you'll feel after reading the letters you spread across a page.
This have been a crazy year for me, I don't know what or why I am where I am but I'd like to think I'm taking it slow, to figure it all out. I just hope it won't be too late when and if I do.
School's going to be over in a month. How frightening and exciting =)
What's been recently added to my wish-list, this amazing vintage typewriter I found on ebay. I'd love to have one someday.
^
I missed babbling like that. Like there's something important I will say if you just read along.. I forgot how good this feels, to write for the heck of it. Not because you have a 2-pages-long essay you have to submit the next day. No, this feels good. Really good. To be writing as if there's a point you'd like to make, a doubt you'd want to clear out, an uncertainty you'd like to make sure of. Whatever it is, there's an odd sense of relief you'll feel after reading the letters you spread across a page.
This have been a crazy year for me, I don't know what or why I am where I am but I'd like to think I'm taking it slow, to figure it all out. I just hope it won't be too late when and if I do.
School's going to be over in a month. How frightening and exciting =)
What's been recently added to my wish-list, this amazing vintage typewriter I found on ebay. I'd love to have one someday.
Take care all,
M.
Mute
A quote from my current read, Perfect Match by Jodi Picoult
This is what Nathaniel knows: He talked, and the bad man grabbed his mother's arm. He talked, and the police came. He talked, and his mother got taken away.
So he will never talk again.
Page 262.
This struck a cord with me. I shall go mute.
This is what Nathaniel knows: He talked, and the bad man grabbed his mother's arm. He talked, and the police came. He talked, and his mother got taken away.
So he will never talk again.
Page 262.
This struck a cord with me. I shall go mute.
[HBBC] Guilty Pleasures
Welcome to The Half-Baked Bloggers Consortium‘s (HBBC), where we voice our opinions about a weekly topic chosen by any HBBC member. This weekend’s topic is Guilty Pleasures.
------
I have a long list of guilty pleasures. First comes cookies and my exceptionally overrated cravings that I have for it. But I like to think that I deserve having them for being the goody-two-shoes that I am.
Second comes reading prose on Tumblr as a bedtime story. I seriously and wholeheartedly feel guilty about this. When I'm supposed to be sleeping, I log on to Tumblr to read what those word-players wrote. They really make my day, though. I try to convince myself that the sole reason why I do this is to give myself a push into writing something as wonderful as that.
Here's one of my favourite posts:
MY DIRGE - Written byR.A Casilao
------
I have a long list of guilty pleasures. First comes cookies and my exceptionally overrated cravings that I have for it. But I like to think that I deserve having them for being the goody-two-shoes that I am.
Second comes reading prose on Tumblr as a bedtime story. I seriously and wholeheartedly feel guilty about this. When I'm supposed to be sleeping, I log on to Tumblr to read what those word-players wrote. They really make my day, though. I try to convince myself that the sole reason why I do this is to give myself a push into writing something as wonderful as that.
Here's one of my favourite posts:
MY DIRGE - Written by
If I wrote you a verse, would you notice me? The stanza would talk about my feelings for you. I would not put it so blatantly. I would hide it in metaphors. I would expertly conceal them in the poetry. If I told you the verse was for you, would your mind open and figure the riddle out? Would you look at me and smile, or would you simply thank me and turn around?
If I wrote you another one, a sonnet this time, would you see past my face? Would you peel away the shroud of society’s vanity from your eyes and see my true form? The sonnet would talk about how I see your soul. The rhyme and measurement would detail why I lust you. The words would be more romantic this time, invoking the promises of lovers of old. If you knew I wrote it for you, would your mind entertain a possibility? And if it did, would you give in or rebuff it?
If I wrote you a villanelle, labored in an hour or so, detailing your attributes, your accoutrements, your adeptness, would you accept my invitation to dine with me? Would you recite the villanelle in your head in the midst of dinner and find it familiar? Would you stop and consider my soul instead of the body I loathe to the core? Would you drink my humor and eat my wit? Would you devour my spirit? Would you see past the external and notice the beauty that emanated from inside?
If I wrote you a longer piece, free verse, where every line resonated with passion, where every word described you in elaborate seduction, would it sway you? Would you finally hunger and lust me in the same manner as I do you? Would you long to own me like I want to be owned? Would you become aware that you’ve heard the words before and recall how they had tasted?
And finally, if I wrote you a sestina, bled for it, sacrificed part of my soul to finish it, the best sestina ever written, a piece that contained every single word that every single couple have told each other in the annals of time, in literature and history, every vow in a wedding taken right from the moment when the couples who uttered them meant every word utterly, would this be enough to make you love me? Would you abandon your wants, your standards, your desire for fleeting earthly things, and know that your soul belonged with mine?
Would you realize, at last, that I am your soulmate and that the world had punished us with time and prejudice? That it had caged my soul in an ugly, distasteful shell so you won’t recognize it? Would the words I wrote for you ring truth in your ears and would your eyes open to compensate it?
Maybe I should stop asking these questions. Maybe I should risk the answers and just… start writing the poems.
Brilliantly written, right?
I could go on about my guilty pleasures but I'd have to include blogging-when-I'm-supposed-to-be-studying if I did. So that's it for today.
Till next time,
M.
Disjointed
What you're gonna get from this post is a bunch of random rants .. Ones without a link to the other.. Put the dots together to see how my train of thoughts is these days..
*
The thing with exams approaching is that you have no time for freaking out, try doing that, and you're left with a coupla hours to revise and cram. Believe me, I should know.
**
2011 ended, 2012 is a big year for me, I might end up depressed at home for not working hard enough or I might be studying abroad somewhere, who knows..
***
I've stopped writing and that has made all the difference.. Wish I'd go back to it, without needing another source of self-relief that might lead me to things I'm not sure I could handle.. Things were easier back then. My pen was my best friend. My words were my only solace. And I loved things that way.
****
Nothing's constant. Time changes every single little thing.
*****
Remember how I said numbers don't make sense to me? That I prefer words, since they speak loud and clear? Well. I've changed my mind. Numbers won't change, add 1 and 1, you'll always get two, there's no way that there's a deeper meaning to that. Words have that freakin deep meaning. To get that, you gotta read between the lines.. Go over them again and again till you're caught in between this and that, not knowing what you should do next.
******
In order to revive Omani Book Mania, I started a series of posts with the title of2011 in Books. If you're interested, email me your top 11 books that you've read in 2011, or review your favourite one. (Check Omani Book Mania to get an idea and email me at omanibookmania@gmail.com)
*******
I have gone through many different stages this year, but I managed to came out stronger than I thought I would be. And that have helped me shape my conclusions and take better choices the next time.
********
What I have learned from this year though, keeping aside my negative thoughts up there, is to count on myself. Because I remember that one time that I lost my cool and realised that I can't be around anyone at that time but me. It made things clear; I can depend on myself, I can get myself out of the mess I helped create, I can fix things the way I want without the interference of others. I can do what I want if I believed I could.
And I have to believe I could pass this year too.
*********
I'd kill to go on vacation. I want to run-away somewhere. A faraway island, preferably.. All I need, I guess, is a timeout. I'm afraid I can't get one till the 31th.. Then a trip to somewhere would do it for me, I don't care where, as long as I get a plane ticket and I'm not 'here'..
**********
Anyone seen Elvis and Annabelle? The cliche in that movie was both of them trying to commit suicide at the same time. Looking at their lives, one can't question that they have lived differently yet they didn't believe they actually lived life in the true sense.. I understand Annabelle more, she have been under the spotlights ever since she could remember thanks to her mom always managing her life.. But I don't get Elvis'.. I mean he was happily taking care of his father but then again, once he passed away, he didn't find a reason to live any longer till the miracle happened.
**********
I have been thinking of Heathcliff lately. More than I should, I have to add.. How can someone stand him? How can his actions be justified? Is it love that turned him into the monster he became? Or jealousy?
*
The thing with exams approaching is that you have no time for freaking out, try doing that, and you're left with a coupla hours to revise and cram. Believe me, I should know.
**
2011 ended, 2012 is a big year for me, I might end up depressed at home for not working hard enough or I might be studying abroad somewhere, who knows..
***
I've stopped writing and that has made all the difference.. Wish I'd go back to it, without needing another source of self-relief that might lead me to things I'm not sure I could handle.. Things were easier back then. My pen was my best friend. My words were my only solace. And I loved things that way.
****
Nothing's constant. Time changes every single little thing.
*****
Remember how I said numbers don't make sense to me? That I prefer words, since they speak loud and clear? Well. I've changed my mind. Numbers won't change, add 1 and 1, you'll always get two, there's no way that there's a deeper meaning to that. Words have that freakin deep meaning. To get that, you gotta read between the lines.. Go over them again and again till you're caught in between this and that, not knowing what you should do next.
******
In order to revive Omani Book Mania, I started a series of posts with the title of
*******
I have gone through many different stages this year, but I managed to came out stronger than I thought I would be. And that have helped me shape my conclusions and take better choices the next time.
********
What I have learned from this year though, keeping aside my negative thoughts up there, is to count on myself. Because I remember that one time that I lost my cool and realised that I can't be around anyone at that time but me. It made things clear; I can depend on myself, I can get myself out of the mess I helped create, I can fix things the way I want without the interference of others. I can do what I want if I believed I could.
And I have to believe I could pass this year too.
*********
I'd kill to go on vacation. I want to run-away somewhere. A faraway island, preferably.. All I need, I guess, is a timeout. I'm afraid I can't get one till the 31th.. Then a trip to somewhere would do it for me, I don't care where, as long as I get a plane ticket and I'm not 'here'..
**********
Anyone seen Elvis and Annabelle? The cliche in that movie was both of them trying to commit suicide at the same time. Looking at their lives, one can't question that they have lived differently yet they didn't believe they actually lived life in the true sense.. I understand Annabelle more, she have been under the spotlights ever since she could remember thanks to her mom always managing her life.. But I don't get Elvis'.. I mean he was happily taking care of his father but then again, once he passed away, he didn't find a reason to live any longer till the miracle happened.
**********
I have been thinking of Heathcliff lately. More than I should, I have to add.. How can someone stand him? How can his actions be justified? Is it love that turned him into the monster he became? Or jealousy?
Sonnet 29
"Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings."
~ Sonnet 29
In times of utter hopelessness and despair, remember your loved ones who will not fail to be there when you need them. After all, just the thought of them makes your day worth living for.
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings."
~ Sonnet 29
In times of utter hopelessness and despair, remember your loved ones who will not fail to be there when you need them. After all, just the thought of them makes your day worth living for.
I Continue To Dream
and a round fountain with a beautiful statue in its center.
And a song with a broken heart and I ask you:
Do you understand my dreams?
Sometimes you say you do,
And sometimes you say you don't.
Either way it doesn't matter.
I continue to dream.
~ Langston Hughes
Thoughts
(1) When words make you think.. Think and retrace all your steps, one by one, putting you right under what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here situation. Just like that, these words change the thread that you were barely holding on to. And it's okay. It's absloutely fine to move on and never look back. Easier said than done, huh?
(2) My head's full of thoughts that won't shut up, I got a presentation due to tomorrow and I chose to review Pride and Prejudice. The part where Darcy leaves his prejudice aside and admit to Elizabeth that yes, he was wrong at the beginning, that he did belittle her family seeing as how they're of lower class than him and when Elizabeth finally puts her pride aside and both give in to their feelings in that beautiful after-dawn scene in the movie was my favourite. If only we get to do that in real life: leave what's holding us back from doing what our heart tells us to do, even though we try hard to steel our heart and go through this heart vs. brain battle which is more often than not, is a losing game.
(3) Midsemester exams are drawing nearer. I'm nervous. We haven't finished the syllabus and I need to spend most of my time emersed in my studies, solving the lovely past papers that make you feel good about knowing something yet putting you down completely when you have no idea what the question is all about. Not the answer.
(4) The last book I read was A Place Called Here and that was back in the beginning of October, I think. (I'm not complaining, though. I'd have plenty of reading time once I'm done with highschool - cant wait! ) Anyhow, the book was kind of creative in its plot, you got this imaginary place the writer set up for all the missing things and people. I loved the book so much, I wanted to write a fanfic of it. Well, more like a made-up ending. One thing to add on my to-do list that keeps increasing. Why not?
(5) If you started Tumblr-ing just recently, stop. That's right, before you get so addicted you won't know how to.
(6) My words will get me in trouble someday. I know this for a fact. Till then, I'll keep writing.
(7) I got into Cubscribe (again), there's a workshop we'll have to attend and the dummy pages submission will be on January 17th. Sweet.
(8) Excited about the upcoming holidays. To be honest, I'm excited about so many things at the moment. November is such a busy month.
(2) My head's full of thoughts that won't shut up, I got a presentation due to tomorrow and I chose to review Pride and Prejudice. The part where Darcy leaves his prejudice aside and admit to Elizabeth that yes, he was wrong at the beginning, that he did belittle her family seeing as how they're of lower class than him and when Elizabeth finally puts her pride aside and both give in to their feelings in that beautiful after-dawn scene in the movie was my favourite. If only we get to do that in real life: leave what's holding us back from doing what our heart tells us to do, even though we try hard to steel our heart and go through this heart vs. brain battle which is more often than not, is a losing game.
(3) Midsemester exams are drawing nearer. I'm nervous. We haven't finished the syllabus and I need to spend most of my time emersed in my studies, solving the lovely past papers that make you feel good about knowing something yet putting you down completely when you have no idea what the question is all about. Not the answer.
(4) The last book I read was A Place Called Here and that was back in the beginning of October, I think. (I'm not complaining, though. I'd have plenty of reading time once I'm done with highschool - cant wait! ) Anyhow, the book was kind of creative in its plot, you got this imaginary place the writer set up for all the missing things and people. I loved the book so much, I wanted to write a fanfic of it. Well, more like a made-up ending. One thing to add on my to-do list that keeps increasing. Why not?
(5) If you started Tumblr-ing just recently, stop. That's right, before you get so addicted you won't know how to.
(6) My words will get me in trouble someday. I know this for a fact. Till then, I'll keep writing.
(7) I got into Cubscribe (again), there's a workshop we'll have to attend and the dummy pages submission will be on January 17th. Sweet.
(8) Excited about the upcoming holidays. To be honest, I'm excited about so many things at the moment. November is such a busy month.
“Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There is only so much you can pile onto it before something falls off an edge and you are left to pick up the pieces.”
― Jodi Picoult, House Rules
― Jodi Picoult, House Rules
Melancholy
I have stopped writing for the paper. It's been almost two months now since I wrote an article for my column or worried about meeting up with the deadline. A lot have been wondering why I chose to stop.. Here's why; I don't know what to write anymore. It's like I ran out of topics to discuss and at the last few weeks, I had a hard time coming up with something. I used to procrastinate till the last 45 minutes or so then quickly scribble something and send it. I hated doing that. Writing has to be driven by a force of passion, not by the mere reason of getting it over with. I didn't feel like I was being sincere in my work hence I stopped.
I haven't written any stories since May 27th. That was the day I went back to update Hiatus Lane.. A draft which was never published.
..Yet, when things get tough, you'd find me writing again. They may not be complete paragraphs in an organised pattern. Just plain, random sentences could do it for me. Those writings, I keep them dated. I'll always go back to them and I'd realise how I was feeling right then and there.. And I'd smile at how writing these words down eased the pain of having bottled my thoughts in for so long..
I haven't written any stories since May 27th. That was the day I went back to update Hiatus Lane.. A draft which was never published.
..Yet, when things get tough, you'd find me writing again. They may not be complete paragraphs in an organised pattern. Just plain, random sentences could do it for me. Those writings, I keep them dated. I'll always go back to them and I'd realise how I was feeling right then and there.. And I'd smile at how writing these words down eased the pain of having bottled my thoughts in for so long..
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