Perspective

Warning: If you're ready to read an old scribble written down by a 14 years old girl when she was utterly bored, then go on, if not, pass the post. Wa 8ad a3thara man anthar [I’m excused]


Ignore the typos and the grammatical mistakes, I'm too lazy to edit things I've written once upon a time.
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Perspective


My life wasn't the same since that accident two years ago; I realized that not just my life that wasn't the same. But everything around me kept changing in a pace that I can barely keep up with. I understood that being free is just not that exact meaning which everyone was looking for.


It kept me unsure, un confident and insecure to know that I'm free rather than just being alone. Those two past years of my life was not what I expected they will be. It was far beyond my expectations: to live with no parents. Some of my dolphin friends enjoyed being left out and being able to swim with no restriction- just free from everything.

I can't lie by saying there is no enjoyment or fun in swimming freely, but knowing that there is no one there to watch after you, especially your mom who is waiting anxiously for your return or your dad who is willing to teach you new things on life and give you his secret life tips. There is no comparison to this feeling. The feeling which I lost just before two years, that no longer exists in my heart anymore.

Two years ago, I was as always discovering the deep spot near our living place. It was as any other usual day. The water was calm blue, with no rough waves or hard winds. Everything calm was all about this day. But out of nowhere everyone was alarmed that the hunters were coming close by our living place. That everyone started hiding and running away to save their lives. I too, was aware that it's the dolphin season to hunt – to track down us with no merciful heart and separate us from our family and beloved ones. It was not the same to the humans up there. Who are waiting to catch us and train us for their own benefit.

I've always considered humans the biggest danger and enemy, because honestly the other big fishes here in this ocean, understands our circumstance, but they have to do what they are meant to be doing. To be feeding on us. There is no harm in this – to take our lives for a good and convincing purpose. According to what human uses us for, is simply not that convenience. To trade our normal life here in where we belong in the first place, to fulfill their enjoyment and entertain their selves - by putting us in some kind of a small water spot, not even small as a river might be. What is the good reason in this now?

I consider myself as a victim of this situation as to what had happened two years ago. When those humans took my parents away and used them on some kind of a fish show. Which we're absolutely not – but why do they even care about this anyway. It's us that lives are ruined in as many possible ways as the word means. If they just think of us as fishes. Well, if I had the chance to face anyone of them and tell them we're just as mammal as they are.

I went on with my life in these two years without a conscious mind, as a dead body, living with an empty head. That's what I felt: To live with no purpose, to wander around aimless.

At some point in my limitless journey in wandering around the sea, I realized that there is absolutely no point in this life that I've chosen to live – or someone else had chosen to me. Anyway, I knew deep down inside my heart that it's not the smart way to deal with it: To be aimless. And that's totally not what my parents would want my life to be, if they just had a choice, which in this case they hadn't.

Through my first couple of months since my parents took-away. Hiding seemed to be my only solution. As I kept hiding- hiding from reality and trying to convince myself that there is hope if I just had faith, which I had but no longer exists. As the other feelings that just started fading away with every single wave in the surface of the water. Faking - was my second solution. To fake that everything was just fine and someday everything is going to be just the – normal. It also didn't do any good to me. It was like a whale trying to fake that her husband didn’t die, and then the last thing she knew, was seeing herself lying in some beach with every single human on this earth watching her.It took one year to understand that grieving was not the solution here, but to face reality as it is, and to enjoy every moment if what is left in my life. And surprisingly it worked.

Journeys and discovering was the only way to make me busy and contain me – in both ways: physically and mentally. Through them, I made new, wonderful and awesome friends. Who did their best not to mention their parents in front of me as my parent loss myself, I think it was kind and generous of them to do so. Riley, Karen and Anna were the best of friends I would ever ask for. All I knew was that, they were with me through my rough times and endured me when I was hysterical- as to hide or run away.

Now, I've decided to move from this place, where every single rock of the ocean reminds me of my loving mom and dad. It's not that I don't want to remember them. It's just hard to know that I would no longer be seeing them- very hard.

On my way now towards my unknown direction, I can see everyone wandering around happily knowing that they have somewhere to go. Not like what I am doing at this very exact moment: wandering around with nowhere to go. All I want is to belong. To feel that there is purpose of living what is left of my life which seems to be an endless life that I've gone through all by myself. For me, it's like I am never really living until I find something to die for. But the thing is: I have nothing to look up to, care for or at least in this case, die for.


Thanks for reading.

5 comments:

G-chan said...

Okay I'm going to read this...I promise. It really sounds interesting, just let me get rid of somethings and I'll read and comment on it ^^

Nabsj said...

You MUST complete this -.-

Kitten said...

Thank you for wasting your time. I will, inshallah. [How many times have I said this? I don't know].

G-chan said...

I don't think there's anything to complete.
The story just ends perfectly as it is.

It was a wonderful read ^^

Kitten said...

Ha! Finally, thank you, G.