'Thinking I'm going crazy'

On repeat:

My heart's crippled by the vain that I keep on closing.

Ever wondered where the lost things go?

"We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found." ~ A quote from my current read, 'A Place Called Here' by Cecelia Ahern.
There's something about this type of fiction, the plot's a bit bizarre but the haunting question on the cover says it all:

Ever wondered where the lost things go?
Within the lines of the novel, you'll question many things. And even though the events might not be exactly realistic, there's a hint of truth in them. You'll fall in love with the concept of having found the answers to everything you've always asked about. You'll be happy to know that things don't just get lost like that, there's a reason. "Here", according to the book, is where all the missing things end up in.

P.S. Check out my review of For One More Day by Mitch Albom on Omani Book Mania, and I'll review the one I'm currently reading as soon as I'm done inshAllah. What are you reading these days?

Circle

It’s a circle, it always is.

A sentence that I tweeted last night which could be interpreted in so many ways. The hardest thing of all is breaking this circle, you just can’t seem to do it. Once you start going round, you’ll come round too. There’s no stopping, no point where you can go back. It's hard, it'll have to be. Guess things don't always have an ending.. Circles don't. Habits don't, like many things that don't have an end, you're left to go on and on with them till you... break. The circle won't. It never would.

I wasn't determined before, my hopes were crushed by mere words, by the realisation that I'm not qualified to be 'there', wherever it is that I wanted to reach. I didn't believe I could do it, maybe I was afraid of what I'll have to do in this process, maybe it was laziness. Or fear, as I mentioned. I still like to believe that I have a hint of that old self, I'm still afraid to begin, to take more than two steps at a time. Time. It's funny because I can't have my sweet time now, it's either I do it now or never. Choose or lose kind of thing.

Yet.. I want to believe. God, I want it more than anything. At this point, it's a must. I can't be vulnerable in this situation, I just can't. I have to be tough, I have to work at being different this time round.

I'll be that circle breaker.

Note this.

HBBC: Self-Love

Welcome to The Half-Baked Bloggers Consortium's (HBBC) where we voice our opinions about a weekly topic chosen by various members. This weekend's topic is Self-love, chosen by Nema.

Please take the time to view their blogs just as you viewed mine in order to get different perspectives about the same topic.

Note: This is my first post for HBBC, be warned, I have nothing to add more worthwhile than my fellow HBBC-ers.

~ Self-love

Do I love myself? Why yes I do. I've long accepted my negative traits and learnt to live with them instead of pick on myself whenever I got the chance to. I think the most important part of loving one self is to truly accept who you are. Acceptance is the key here, just embrace your faults and it's only then that you could work on improving them or changing what needs to be changed. Respect plays a huge role too. If you do not respect and can't carry your self to those around you, how do you expect to be loved? Self love starts from within you. Cherish yourself. Be your favourite person in the world. Confide in yourself. Trust yourself to be what you wish to be not what others want you to.

I Miss..

I miss hearing characters' voices in my head, the countless insomniac nights in which I'd be trying to quiet a story plot over the other. I miss the excitement I get when a new scene forms in my mind which jolts me off my place to write it down.

Those days were amazing, I get so hooked up on my stories that I feel the presence of my characters, feel the need to be their voice and have words written on the blank ms sheet. It was incredible, the amount of time I spent in writing so much and deleting most of the lines only to add more of them later. I miss reading my stories as if for the first time, I try to put myself in the reader's shoes and find faults in everything.. It usually works, though most of the time, I end up feeling exhausted and I'd stop writing for a while. But the urge to end a story kicks in just in the right time, or not, in some cases. Above all, I miss the feeling that I get when all's done that I could have done better than this. Way better. Then I end up publishing it anyways.

On Moving

People change, seasons change, situations change.. And before you know it, you are moving into a new house, you no longer go back to your old house, your old neighbourhood, the one that you've spent 14 years of your life in. They say change is good, the new house is larger, spacious and amazing and everything else. Only problem is, it doesn't feel like home. Even when I have all my stuff around me, my own bed, and my family, the place just doesn't seem... Home. There are no memories carved on the walls, no stories to be remembered or to be related to where it exactly happened. I have it all in my heart and mind, I just thought I won't have to hold on to them this much before because there was always a solid reminder.. A scratch, a mark..

The moving was difficult at first, I didn't want to start packing, I didn't want to believe that this was it. Later, however, I thought it would be best to deal with it. So with an absent mind, I began packing, loading the boxes and shifting them. It got hard when the furniture started disappearing, when I looked back to the empty rooms and for a second, it looked like nobody ever lived here. I hated to think in that way, so without looking back, I headed to the new house and busied myself with the unpacking dilemma. It took 3 days but I was glad I sorted out my stuff.

On the first night of the moving, I couldn't sleep. I drifted in and out of sleep, thinking that I'd wake up in my room; that this was just temporary.. It wasn't. It still isn't. The house is great, don't get me wrong, even more than just great, it's just that I'd need time to adjust to it, that's all.

Best Parts in Harry Potter

"From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery flow faded he returned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.

'After all this time?'
'Always' said Snape."

This was the best part in Harry Potter for me, it's when the impression I had of Snape throughout the series changed. Who would have guessed he had a thing for Lily? I know I didn't. And to have been loving her through these years, even after she chose James over him is truly amazing.

“‘Look…at…me…’ he whispered. The green eyes found the black, but after a second something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, blank and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more.”

To know that the last thing Snape wanted to see was Lily's green eyes is such a lovely ending. Couldn't have been better.

Why did they have to exist?

"The words. Why did they have to exist? Without them, there wouldn’t be any of this. Without words, the Führer was nothing. There would be no limping prisoners, no need for consolation or wordly tricks to make us feel better. What good were the words?"

~ Markus Zusak (The Book Thief)

How Long?

Sitting on the floor yesterday, next to the pile of the tossed-away books that I intentionally hid for the past two months to retrieve the piece of paper with the list of summer assignments made the fact that school's about to start dawn on me.

Besides the scary idea of starting my final year, I generally dread going to school.. The load of work, worries and drama are things I avoid thinking about during summer break.. For how long though?

I gotta get my head straight, kiss the days of sitting-and-thinking-about-nothing goodbye and just enjoy what's left of it for now.

A Way Out

Things always seem complicated at the beginning, just like a puzzle, you say there's no way I can solve it but when you actually make your first attempt, it gets easier with every block that you move aside. And when more blocks come your way, you'll just have to think differently, try another trick, a positive attitude, and without knowing it, the block finally leaves the frame, giving you a sense of accomplishment and sheer knowledge that there's always a way out, always.

P.S I'm a Blue Block addict. Currently solving puzzle number 232.

The Other Side of the Line

Memories are like lucky charms you'd want to wrap around your neck to remember them everytime you look at your reflection on the mirror, they're like the broken-winged butterflies that you hold in your palm and keep hoping beyond hope that they'd fly again.. They're the sweet carvings on the wall of your heart that will stay there even if your wounds are healed. Even if time washed away all your worries like the sand writings on the shore, the waves will keep coming and healing in the same way it did the first time. Memories are the fine line between what could have been and what really happened, they're like the dividing red line between this and that, one step back and you're left to reminisce and weep, half a step forward and you go back to your senses, to the reality that things are different here, on this side of the line.

Until I Have To..

"I will not feel, I will not
feel, until
I have to"

~ The Visiting Hour, Norman McCaig.

Every so often, we try to block out certain feelings.. It may be because we're afraid to experience them or we think that we're still not ready yet. But when the right time comes, you have no choice but to give in.. You feel like being numb on the inside but deep down, you're feeling what you previously chose not to. At the time, you think you won't bear it, to say the least, but ever so quickly, it'll be a part of you that you'd never want to be separated from.

Keep Writing!

When your mind can't come up with something to write about, you feel like you've no longer got it.. But guess what? You do, it's all part of the writing process. It's only natural that we go through writer's block.

So I've been asked about this quiet a lot, how do we get over it? Writing! Yes, pick up your pen and scribble whatever you could think of. Names, adjectives, recent events, anything but the point is to keep writing.

If that didn't do much help in racking your brain, try writing exercises, ask for topics and try as hard as you can to write about each one of them, as long as your pen is moving and you're pouring out your ideas then you're fine.

The first step that might be hard for all of us writers is the starting point. You do have an idea, which is brilliant but for some odd reason, you just can't start, mainly because you have no clue on how to go on about it. Don't think about it too much though, the starting point is very essential but the content matters too. Hence, once an idea hits your mind, get it down on paper! Who knows, it might be your inspiration in the upcoming struggle. Start plotting, then think of your audience, who are you targeting it to and most importantly, how do you want it to be read? Once you got the hang of it, you'll find that words come out so effortlessly.

I understood this from one of my favourite Young Adult author, Mary Hogan who when I asked for an advice about writing said that the only way to do so is to keep writing. The trick is to get both your pen and ideas flowing at the same time.

Happy writing!

Time

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

June passed by in a blur, even more frightening is that August is just around the corner. These two months have been like a dream to me, everything I ever wished for, and even those that I couldn't imagine possible.. came true.

I was caught in a whirl of time, not caring about which day of the month it is because for the first time in my life, I'm content with what I have in the real sense of the word. I'm also blessed to be surrounded by such great people that never fail to be there whenever I need and want them to.

My days felt like being in a roller-coaster.. One that you just don't want it to stop no matter what because all the ups and downs would surely lead to something so beautiful and magical eventually.

I'm forever grateful to whatever lead me to this point because when there's a change in your life, it doesn't mean it's for the worse. There's a good change and a bad one but for the time-being, I'll go on and on about how good the change I'm experiencing is.

Hope you all are having an amazing summer.